Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Four minutes until I can fart!
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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