you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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