Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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