I just threw up on my dentist
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
We need to get me chipped asap
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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