I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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