dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
