i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
