Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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