My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
