i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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