Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
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