yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i will never coherently bang her
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
