i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
