I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
