We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I am one with the molecules
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
