I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
my poor anus
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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