New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
