Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Watching her eat just hurts me
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
