I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
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