Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
