im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
