I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
