I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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