You're so nebulous sometimes
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You ate ashes out of my bong
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
