I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
