I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
