'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
