that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
