I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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