when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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