who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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