so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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