Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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