Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
you are never too drunk for berry picking
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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