Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize