I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
