Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize