I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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