Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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