Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
