My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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