Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
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