Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
