those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
