You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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