Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
