so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
