Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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