it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
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