ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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