I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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