my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
