I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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