I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
