Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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