i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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