R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
