Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
