So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
