I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
