He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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