Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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