Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
