I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
